i feel lost. i have the want to become a motivational speaker and try my best to help others. yet, i stay away from politics usually, and even question parts of certain tragedies.
i feel like why i act so strange and childish around most stuff that upsets me, is that when i actually discuss it, it doesnt come off nearly as thought out as my thoughts. and also, i have many conflucting worldviews. despite me knowing that jehovas witnesses made so many false predictions, a small part of me says they may be right this time. i get history has suffered through way worse, but everything has an end, no?
and also with my “irrational” fears. theres so much chance in this world. so much unexplained. who is/was the zodiac killer? are there occult forces behind school shootings? did felix weisner (aka mausland) die of acute lymphoblastic leukemia? (also rest in peace, edd gould.) life is so complicated
maybe a miracle happens and things get much better at least here in the badlands. maybe nothing rlly major. maybe just some crime rise. also, trump did rule for four years prior, and he’s old. so i feel he may pass away soon. i dont know if he will have a successor, but let fortuna decide. what if a nuclear war occurs with russia, north korea, isn’treal, or solewhere else?
i feel at times i have to sell my piano, my comfort stuff, and other loved things, and just go to only basic wants, needs and survival shit. basically go survivlaist. i’ve been thinking of buying bulletproof jackets for going out. what if the demiurge was right when he came to me as a flower a week ago?
also, unrelated, but i want to talk about my spiritual views. i do not allow comments here due to this being a lot more of a vent space than social media, but feel free to either leave if confused or offended, or stay. your choice.
i’m not sure what to call myself. its more of a mix with atheist and christian belief. i dont believe in any god/lrophet to worship. i believe in the concept of a god, but either a demiurge (sadistic), not able to help humans, or not willing to help humans for reasons.
i’m also strangely interested in wiccan and kabaalah motiffs. ,i do not practice them or have intent to, but their artistik elements interest me. never give your kid neon genesis evangelion while they have undiagnosed C-PTSD
why am i alive?
even as a kid, i was considered a skeptic. i always wondered why certain things were bad and why certain things were good. why is death considered bad and so, shootings and murder, if we find peace in the afterlife. (currently my reason is that there are so many different beliefs about death. hell and heaven? only hell? only heaven? just being deleted? reincarnation? and also, its kinda like the rainbow bridge theory, you are in peace but still broken due to being alone without your loved ones. also the universe is fucking huge. so the afterlife must be huge.)
also, the rwappin meme trends are not only hilarious, and i love the ytps, but i love ryan krzak’s personality. i’m anticipating a lot for full spectrum souls/end times to be completed. i love his metaphysical shix.
